2 Months of Raising a Wildflower

Rowan Penelope, lately I have been referring to you as my "dream girl", and you ARE exactly and entirely that. Somehow you're now my three month old, but I like to wait until the very last possible moment to write all about the month prior, because every single day with you is a new adventure. You're constantly changing and growing, and if I blink I just may miss you doing the next greatest thing that causes me to clap in joy while cheering you on! These last TWO months have been TOO good TO be true, because like I said, you're a dream, girl! As I type this you are sitting on my lap clobbering the table top with your newly discovered hands. You've now established that they are quite useful for grabbing, holding, and shoving so far into your mouth that you make yourself gag, you little nutcase. I've had this ongoing list hanging on the fridge that I add to often, making notes so that I remember to add them into this blog post. You've provided me with SO much content that I could very well go on forever and ever. You've developed way more than I ever thought a mere two month old would; so if this is any indication of what lies ahead throughout the upcoming months and years, I will always have a lot of writing to do in order to keep up!

2 month stats for Lil' R.P.

Birth weight: 6 lbs, 11.5 oz, 19 inches long

2 months: 11 lbs, 3 oz, 22 inches long

Eye colour: they're still light! Daddy keeps saying that they're grey, and they very well can be sometimes. Depending on what you wear, they can also appear to be blue or green, or a mix of both. Momma thinks you will be my little green eyed girl though. Your eyes simply shine brightly regardless of the colour, which is why they will always best be described as "beautiful".

Diaper size: you're still rocking those size 1 diapies comfortably! You have a little bum!

Clothing size: With the exception of these tiny white footie "Glad Man" pants as I call them (that still somehow fit you just fine), every last piece of newborn clothing has been tucked away. Just the other day we said goodbye to the last little sweater you've been pulling off as a jacket once I realized that it wouldn't even go on. I looked at the tag and realized why. Every time you grow, I make a bag of items that we no longer need and drop it off at Goodwill for other babies. However, I keep all of my favourite pieces just in case you ever have a little sister. The really important "Rowan" pieces get put into your memory box, like the first outfit I ever bought for you when I knew you were a girl. Right now you're sprouting through 0-3 outfits (your limbs are long), and fit just right in a basic size 3, OR 3-6. Crazy, right? I know. A couple weekends ago, Gramma and I went out and she bought you some two piece outfits to wear. We decided not to go crazy since you have a whole closet filled with adorable Spring and Summer outfits that I can't wait for you to wear. Dresses, rompers and more dresses! I will flat out say right now that I hope you adopt your mother's love for dresses.

Nicknames: oh, how the list continues to grow! In addition to the bunch conjured up during your first month, there are somehow more. For some reason I tend to call you "Peaches" a lot, Rowbow, or what I've decided your gangster name would be, Corn Row. Your name gives me a lot to work with as you can tell. I still think I call you Bean the most, or Peanut Weanut (don't even ask, it's the result of talking in a sing-songy way to a baby all day long). I've also taken the liberty of creating alter egos for you. When you're cranky, you are Moody Judy, and when you drool a lot, you become Drooley Julie. These two characters make frequent cameos at our house!

What Momma has observed about you at 2 months young

Alright, first and foremost, as your parents, Dad and I are in big trouble. At the tender age of two months old, you have already mastered the "up to no good" face, and you sport it ever so well. I often look at photos I take of you and burst out laughing because there it is. You're so cute it's insane. Between that perfectly symmetrical face, humungous eyes, gummy smile, those long eyelashes, and your little spud-like head that keeps sprouting up more and more hairs (hilarious, I love blowing on them to see them move), you're the perfect recipe for "I'M GONNA EAT YOU UP!" While adoring you, I've noticed a few things over this past month:

• You hide your thumbs. Last month you found them, this month you like to make fists with your hands while tucking your thumbs in. Of course, this is when you aren't trying to eat your fists as a whole.

• You love your hands! You always have, since you were in my belly even. I have never been able to swaddle your arms down because they're a comfort thing to you. You often fall asleep touching your face, or rubbing your head. You paw at things, and just the other day you noticed your coffee cup rattle that I keep attached to your car seat. As we did groceries in Food Basics, I looked down and saw you hitting it over and over again. You put your hands on your bubba when you're fed, or clasp them together like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, appearing as though you are plotting something. You've also learned how to hold your toys. We're still trying to master the whole holding things and not letting them go aspect, but for right now you can hold your dumbbell rattle or your unicorn. Also, in addition to loving your own hands, you have this tendency to grab hold of ours and play with them as you eat or are falling asleep.

• You have started to babble! Sometimes you move your mouth like you so badly want to talk, but nothing but a few little sqeaks and squaks come out! Other times, you babble nonstop and I say that you're yelling at your Daddy (hahaha). The one night he was trying to watch TV and you wouldn't stop making noise as he held you. I told him that you were going to be one of those girls who talks throughout an entire movie for sure. Just wait, when you start talking for real, you will not stop! I can already hear the relentless question of "why?" However, I can't wait to hear that beautiful little voice calling for "MOMMA!!!!" One billion times a day I am sure.

• You smile on purpose. All. Of. The. Time. Girl, you have the best smile and you don't even have teeth! You started smiling on purpose every now and then, but it's constant now as we gear up for month three. I can just look at you and you smile. I can make a noise and you smile. Sometimes from across the room as I approach you, you begin to beam! Of course, in turn, I too smile way more these days because that's how contagious yours is, and I get to stare at it fifty-million times a day!

• YOU LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!! And oh my god, if it isn't the greatest noise in the whole entire universe then I don't know what is. I randomly tickled your sides one day when I was changing you and you let out this "from the belly little grunt", that lit up your whole entire face while simultaneously exposing all of your gums. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen and occurred on February 7th! I could not stop laughing. Since then, you also had your own laugh with Daddy. He made this motorboat noise and you lost your mind! It's flattering for the time being that you think your parents are so funny without even trying all that hard.

• The pout is out of control, kid. In addition to the "up to no good" face, you sometimes reveal this pout that quite literally makes your mouth the perfect upside down "U" shape. It makes me so sad to see, and I inevitably end up squeezing you because it's normally followed by a cry, but admittedly, for those first couple of seconds I get a good laugh out of how freaking cute it is. You first introduced this look when I had you staring in the bathroom mirror one night. Normally you love checking yourself out. No, seriously, you smile at yourself in the mirror all of the time and I hope you continue to love what you see within yourself for the rest of your life!

• You can and most certainly do burp on your own now with little to no help. You also stay awake a lot more during the day, and way less at night (thank the lord). Nap or no nap (Moody Judy comes to visit if naps don't happen), your night time routine doesn't seem to be effected.

• Even though I retired your lotus flower sink bath because you were getting too big to sit comfortably in the sink anymore, and I gave you no choice but to bathe in your little bath tub (you lay in a hammock in it and it looks incredibly comfortable), you have adjusted well! We're not quite at bath toy level yet, where I have to bribe you to get out, or in for that matter, but as long as your bath water is nice and warmy and Momma has a face cloth to lay on your belly and your head (bath dress!), you are perfectly content. You are such a big girl now that you don't even cry getting in or out of the tub! We have a little routine going where we bathe you around 9 pm, I wash you up, then we call Daddy over with your hooded towel to get you out and keep you warm in his arms until I drain the tub and run back to your room to change you. Then as I'm giving you your lavender massage and putting on your new jammies, Daddy heats up your bed time bubba and we all take to the couch to relax together. The whole production works!

• I have you trained to not be phased by wearing accessories on your head! This was a goal of mine ever since I found out that you were a girl. From bows, to head wraps, turbans, and beanies, you are no stranger to them all. I get a little ahead of myself and order things online that won't fit you for months to come, but I gotta keep my girl stocked up!

• Oh my god, one of the funniest and saddest things ever is when your sneezes get stuck (that's what I call it at least). You do the whole big lead-up like anyone would before the sneeze comes out, but after this buildup it's so anti-climactic because no sneeze happens, followed by this little sigh from you, like "ohhhh drats!" It's the cutest noise ever! However, eventually you get that darn sneeze out and I clap for you because you showed it who was boss!

• You are told that you look like your Daddy 98% of the time. I see it too, so I can't argue others who swear by the uncanny resemblance. HOWEVER! You 100000% have my dimples, which are probably the cutest things I could have given you anyways, so I will take it! We just won't discuss how it already looks as though you also got my wide feet...

Things you absolutely love...

• Watching TV. Yes, I have unintentionally turned you into a reality TV junkie like myself. Okay, maybe I am exaggerating just a tad, but you do love focusing on the TV. A lot of the time if you're fussing I have to walk around with you in my arms and then stand at the TV so you can watch. You sat through an entire episode of Sesame Street while in your swing one Sunday morning! It was so damn cute watching you be a big girl and made me very excited for the future when you can tell me what shows you like and want on. Somehow I don't think Vanderpump Rules will have your attention forever...

• Your light up / musical elephant toy. This thing simply came with your activity mat, and is nothing more than a small plastic elephant who's ears light up and plays the same musical song over and over again. Yet, at the same time this thing IS everything to you! You love it and we call it your "Ellie" (you have several Ellie's and Una's). Sometimes we even strap her to your car seat and she comes grocery shopping with us. You will literally lay on your mat staring up at this thing every single day, trying to reach for it. You love your morning mat time. I often feed you, change you, and then say, "time to go play with your friends!" As you lay there playing, I make myself breakfast and a coffee and then come sit next to you on the floor. It's our morning ritual, and we both seem to be fans of it. The one day Ellie's batteries died and it was so sad watching you lay there waiting for it to play music and light up. I couldn't handle the facial expressions you had, so we made sure that new batteries were in it that same day! Even though you had no idea of what I was saying, I kept reassuring you that Ellie was only napping because she was tired from all of the playing.

• Falling asleep and staying sleeping on Momma's chest or in people's arms. If you had your choice, I am certain you would rather stay on me all night long opposed to sleeping in your bassinet. I don't know if it's the warmth, the secure feeling, or what, but I always think about how laying that close on me must be reminiscent for you of being in the womb. I really don't care what the reason is. I for one am not complaining about all of the cuddles I am receiving! Two of my favourite parts of any day are after your 6 am bubba when you lay with me and fall back to sleep, and after your last bubba of the night when you lay on me to fall asleep. I don't care what anyone says, you cannot spoil a two month old by holding them too much!

• People. You are such a social little baby and are mesmerized by your surroundings. When we go out, you will cry until you're taken out of your seat and carried around. We laugh and say it's because you're nosey. I laugh and say it's because you love shopping like me. You haven't yet reached the point where you play shy (though you do follow me with your big eyeballs), and practically anyone can pick you up and you don't shed a tear or bat an eye for that matter. You're more like your father, who I used to call the mayor when we first started dating.

• You're a HUGE fan of Momma and Daddy. Seriously. Your whole face LIGHTS UP whenever you see us, especially in the morning when you first wake up and I lean over to look at you in your bassinet, only to be greeted by your giant adorable gummy smile and big, bright, shining eyes. You always radiate JOY, but in those moments it is especially clear. It's the best part about waking up each morning, I swear. Though you're not quite at that stage where babies cry when their parents leave the room, you DO have your more clingy days where I have to workout in front of you, or drag your bassinet or swing into my bedroom when I'm using the treadmill. As long as you can see me you're perfectly content. And for the record, I have to say that you are thee cutest distraction possible. Every time I look at you, you smile so BIG and I die laughing because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! I've said it all throughout my pregnancy, and I still stand by it today: you're the greatest workout partner I have ever had! When Daddy gets home from work he always gives you a bottle, and then if I still have to workout, you and him watch TV together (he makes you watch this bizarre show called The Last Alaskans and swears you're into it. It's okay, he doesn't have to know the truth). It's nice because you have your bonding time with each of us, and then of course with both of us together, and every time you smile or laugh, or babble, you fill our hearts with happiness and make us so so grateful to be your parents. I think it goes without saying that YOU are OUR favourite thing, period!

Things you aren't so fond of...

• Being put in your car seat still isn't your favourite thing in the world. We know to brace ourselves for a total meltdown whenever it's time to go anywhere. Even if you're in a great mood prior, the second we sit you down in that thing, you know what's happening and you are totally opposed to it. Thankfully, by the time we get you in the car and start driving you're usually already asleep with your sucky hanging halfway out of your mouth.

• Being tired or hungry. And who can blame you? I'm turning 28 and these two things are the main reasons I have meltdowns. You have distinguishing cries for each of these, and I now know them well enough to either RUN to grab you a bubba, or hold you in my arms, bouncing and rocking you until you shut your eyes and drift off to sleep.

• The first diaper change of the day (or in the middle of the night in rare instances). Again, I really can't blame you here. You go from being warm and comfy in your bassinet, to me bringing you into the light where you make the sourest face because your eyeballs have yet to adjust to the sudden blinding sensation, and then I undress you and wipe your bum with a cold wipe. Doesn't sound appealing to me either, pal. This usually occurs at 6 am before you eat for the first time that day, and needless to say, as soon as that bubba hits your mouth, you have already forgotten about the traumatizing wake-up call.

Eating habits

I think I have figured out what works best for you at this stage in the game. Every morning I will make 24 ounces of formula (still the gentle on your tummy Enfamil A+, which is totally worth the extra money because you never have blowouts or cry from an upset tummy), and divide it up amongst 5-6 bottles. Each is filled with at least 4 ounces minimum. That's usually what you eat. However, there are those odd times when you cry for more, which then requires a little 1-2 ounce top-up, or even those times where you fall asleep and leave an ounce or two unfinished. Your last bottle of the night is often a 5 ouncer, as I like to ensure you go to bed with a full tummy. I haven't had any sort of issue with your eating, other than a week where you were spitting up more often. Dr. Ashraf said that it is normal and nothing to be concerned about (acid reflux, etc). We just make sure that when you finish eating we keep you sitting in an upright position so that you can burp and digest more easily, which seemed to fix the spit up issue before it became any worse.

I also cheat and buy the giant case of the already mixed formula mini bottles that I use when we are out and about, or if I haven't yet made fresh formula. You love them though because they are more concentrated, so I call it your little treat. At your last weigh-in at the doctor's you were right on track with the growing curve, so you aren't over or under weight in the slightest. Actually, considering you're a formula-fed baby, you aren't really rolley poley! Dad likes to say you have "definition" (hahahahaha). I think you move around too much to pack on extra pounds. You never ever stop moving those limbs of yours. The day you start crawling or walking, I will require extra coffee and naps. Even your doctor made a comment about how you will more than likely crawl sooner than later because your legs are just ready to go go go! Rather than feed you at specific times, I just go by your hunger cues or cry, which occur every couple of hours or so. When you eat really depends on when or for how long you nap in a given day, but you have never met a bubba you didn't like!

Sleeping pattern

Rowan, I would like to take this opportunity right now to thank you for being a baby that I myself never was. At two months old you have began sleeping soundly through the night, which is incredible and something that I never did (sorry, Ma!) Yes, you are still in your bassinet (and wake up sleeping diagonally across it every single morning), and I am still camping out on the couch next to you, BUT we are SLEEPING for HOURS on end! This makes us both much happier and energized for the day ahead. You're nighttime routine has made all of the difference. After your 9 pm bath, we take to the couch and you eat and then fall asleep in my arms. I'd say that you're usually asleep between 10 and 11 pm, and then don't wake up until 6 am, when you eat, and then go back to sleep until 9 or 10! Even though you're getting all of this sleep, you still nap during the day. I find that your morning / mid-day nap is crucial. Either around lunch time or after, you nap, and then some days I even get another out of you around 3 pm. You are such a good girl and I have zero reason to complain at all about your sleeping habits. As far as I am concerned, I am one lucky Momma.

Playtime & Development

You are ALL about your activity mat. I prop your head up on this little pink pillow that it came with, and you gaze up at your light up elephant, while reaching for the dangling rattles and parts. Sometimes I even cover you with a blanket because you spend so much time just playing around. One day you even fell asleep like that! Your Beat Belle robot toy amuses you too, and I can now sadly say that I know almost every single word to every single song it sings. I often find myself singing, "Beat Belle boogie! Do the Beat Belle boogie, clap clap!"

You also have this soft unicorn that is attached to a very small blankey and you tend to hold it close to your face, which is the cutest thing ever. Oh, and let's not forget about your dumbbell rattle that you bring along whenever Momma takes you to Bootcamp! You have gotten much better about using your swing, and I am now able to sit you in it while I cook or shower and you happily swing there waiting for me. Other times, I sit you in it when you have fallen asleep and some of your best naps have taken place that way. In this second month we have broken out the Bumbo and introduced your bum to it. You're still not too keen on it, as you have yet to be able to keep your head up without tilting back, but we get a good laugh out of how proud you look sitting in it if your back is supported against the couch. My favourite photo of you to date is of you sitting in the Bumbo. In fact, it's the first photo I added to this post! We also have it sitting framed in the kitchen and I smile every single time I look at it. You still don't have the attention span to sit and look at books (trust me, I have tried). The one night I laid you on your elephant pillow in your room and we read through my old Muppet Baby books. You looked at all of the colours and kept touching the pages (adorable) for a while before you lost interest. I plan to read to you often though as you get bigger. You already have so many books waiting for you. I can't wait for you to be juuuuust a little more focused!

Dates & Holidays

You attended your first Bootcamp outside of the womb! On February 1st, I started back up at Bootcamp, and since you're the best workout partner I've ever had, of course I had to bring you! You were, after all, with me at Bootcamp throughout my pregnancy! You were so so good and so so welcomed! Everyone there basically knows you already since they watched you grow in Momma's tummy, and they were so excited to see you. I laid a blanket down on one of the exercise mats and you laid there happily, those big eyes focused on all of the lights and movements, and you had your little dumbbell rattle to shake. You were such a good girl that night, so bringing you since hasn't been an issue. My friends call themselves your "Bootcamp Aunties", so if and when you get a little fussy, they are eager to scoop you up and show you some lovin!

• You had your two month vaccinations on January 23rd, which meant needles for the first time! I was more nervous than you were because you had no idea of what was going to happen. In retrospect, it went pretty smoothly. The first vaccination they gave you was an oral one, and apparently it's sweet-tasting, so you ate that one up no problem and smiled at the nurse almost in thanks (which made her feel all the more terrible about having to jab you with two needles right after). You whaled instantly, but I, at least, was able to hold you. You stopped crying within ten minutes or so, and then fell fast asleep with a little circular bandaid on each of your outer thighs. You didn't have any kind of reaction to the needles, and you were a brave little girl regardless of the tears, so your first round of needles was a success!

• Even though it has been cold and snowy outside, we got lucky with a few days where I was actually able to take the stroller outside, and you and I walked to the plaza nearby! Sure, you weren't all that impressed as I had to bundle you and put you in your car seat, but you either fell asleep or sat quietly, smiling at me! I wish there were better places to take you within walking distance, but sometimes it's just nice to get out and get some fresh air with you, even if it means we're simply going to get apples at the grocery store, and I am literally picking the entire stroller up and carrying it over the sidewalks in front of houses that don't believe in cleaning snow from their walk ways (drives me crazy).

• Valentine's Day was a whole lot sweeter this year because you were here for it. That also meant that I now had the cutest Valentine ever to buy for! When you and I were at the mall one day, we went and picked out a little baby touch and feel book called "I Love You". How perfect.

 You also got crafty for the occasion and you and I made homemade gifts by dipping your tiny thumb in paint and pressing it on mugs to make little fishies for daddy, ladybugs for Gram, and a robot for Uncle Joey (you are his little Robot after all). I also made these cute little rhyming cards to go with them. I wasn't brave enough to dip your whole hand in paint, especially because you tend to put your hands in your mouth, but maybe next year! Daddy loved his and put it up on his shelf in our room right away so it could be proudly displayed. On Valentines Day, you and I walked to the store to buy pizza dough because we made heart shaped pizzas for dinner, as well as a homemade chocolate chip cookie cake with chocolate frosting! Though dinner was put off for a while because I randomly had swollen eyes all day long (an allergic reaction to something I believe), and I ended up going to the doctor's to get medicine, my day ended perfectly. Little did I know that you and Daddy had a special surprise waiting for me. Later that night, I walked into the living room to see a giant floral arrangement and card, then you two sitting on the couch staring at me. The card was the sweetest thing your father has ever written me, and the fact that he mentioned you in it time and time again, and then signed it from you too, meant THEE entire world to me. This was the best part: "I wanted to do something special for you this year because you gave me one of the best gifts anyone could ever ask for, which is a family. Every time I look at our beautiful little girl, it reminds me of the reasons I fell in love with you". It was the best Valentine's Day I have ever had, swollen eyes and all.

• Our first Family Day as a family of our own! Simple and low key, we went to visit your great-grandma and grandparents on Daddy's side, and then went for lunch at Lindsay and Anthony's house with the cousins, where you got to see your buddy Matteo! You guys see a lot of each other, which is great because we want you to stay close. Sometimes it's even a quick visit over coffee at Starbucks, which, hello, obviously we are fans of!

• You and I mall walk, like the two little old ladies we are. Usually we find time for this on boring Sunday afternoons. Of course Superstore and Starbucks Saturdays are still very much so a thing. They were when I toted you around in my belly, so you can bet your cute little butt they're still going strong now that we have you here to bring in person!

• Being that it's February, it also marks one year since I became pregnant with you. Granted, I didn't test positive until April 2017, you were very much so a growing life inside of me, and I had no idea that my world was about to become amplified and that I would never again be the same. I spent much of that February taking pregnancy tests that turned out negative and left me so upset. I even went to have bloodwork done because I was so sure! Little did I know that I was just testing far too soon. Then one night, months later, after your Dad and I left the gym, I told him that I had a feeling I was pregnant, and regardless of what prior tests had said, I wanted to try again. That next morning was the greatest morning of my life, aside from November 24th, 2017. It's when my biggest dream came true, and you were suddenly real, and mine. So yeah, you can very well say that February is important to me. It is when you began.

Lastly, from your Momma's perspective

Hi Bean, I feel like by now waking up to you every single morning should feel ordinary, or routine. Well, though we do have our routine, the excitement of you hasn't once worn off. How can it? Each and every day with you is full of love and me counting my blessings. It's like it feels surreal, to the point where I have to stop and literally walk myself through it all in my head: I get to wake up, cuddle this absolutely beyond beautiful little girl who is somehow mine, focus in on nothing more than what is directly in front of me, I don't have to miserably get up, get ready to go to a job I despise, and spend my day with people I'd rather not surround myself with; rather, I get to stay home and play and love, feed, cuddle, soothe, and rock to sleep the greatest little human being I have ever known. From the moment I wake up, to the second I go to bed, my whole day revolves around you. My only job now is to love and protect you fiercely, and it is the greatest job I will ever have. So again, how can that get old? It's quite easy going to bed at night when I wake up every day to my dream, and my dream girl.

I know that being a mother means sacrificing things that were so easy to come by before. Something as simple as writing this blog post has me going on three days now, whereas I used to be able to sit down and write until I chose to stop, uninterrupted. I used to pee in peace, without a baby on my lap, I'd spend a good hour and a half at the gym every single day, not worried about anyone needing me, or missing out on something, I'd paint my toenails and tweeze these brows routinely. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was able to wholeheartedly devote myself to pretty much anything, and the funny part is, that even though at the time I didn't feel as though I was lacking anything, life before you now seems unfulfilled, and incomplete. I am more whole now, in a day and age where I am never fully able to devote myself to anything or anyone who isn't you. Anything I do is simplified, not as thorough, hurried, etc. Yet, I am happy. Correction: I am the happiest I have ever been.

Naturally and without much thought, you just learn how to modify your life when you become a mother. You may not even realize it until you find yourself washing dishes with one arm, while your other arm holds your baby on your hip. For me, not driving means that I am limited from the get-go, so you and I spend pretty much all of our time at home. Aside from Bootcamp twice a week for an hour at a time (which I more often than not have you for), I've learned that going to the gym once someone is home to watch you, is too difficult for the time being. Never fear though! My solution was to find a used treadmill online, and do my workouts at home. It's hard to fit it all in, but it definitely isn't impossible. On the good days, you happily play on your mat beside me, while I lunge across the kitchen holding my dumbbells, or plop myself next to you on the ground doing some kickbacks with my resistance band. You think I am utterly insane; of this I am certain, but that smile you throw my way whenever I look at you (often telling you to count my reps for me... we will work on that), makes this whole drawn-out, much-more-difficult-than-it-should-be way of doing things, totally worth it, enjoyable even.

When I cook, you're in your swing next to me, or in my arms. When I shower, you're on the other side of that shower curtain in your swing, waiting for me to pop my head out and make you laugh. When I shop, you're in the stroller right there with me, sometimes sleeping, and sometimes sending me into a panic as you begin to scream so bloody loud in the middle of Winners. Even at Bootcamp, when I'm working out, you're usually on the floor right beside me. At night time when I sleep, you're next to me safe and sound in your bassinet, or in my arms. Heck, I even ride in the backseat with you just so you aren't alone (or for when you have a meltdown...) No matter what I am doing, you are a part of it, but that is my life now. You are the biggest part of me and my world. Although some things used to be a lot simpler and my toenails used to look a lot nicer, I would choose the way things are now again and again, even if it means having you throw up on my shirt whenever I put a clean one on (which is always).

I often look at you while I am doing whatever I may be doing, and I can't help but wonder what you think of when you see me. I know you're a baby, which is also why I don't know the answer, but I certainly hope you already feel all of the love I have for you. I hope you can feel it in the way I hold you, and when you're pressed up against my chest and feel my heartbeat the same way you did when you were inside of me. I hope you see it in my eyes when I stare at you in awe, or hear it in my voice when I try to soothe you when you're upset, or when I try to make you laugh, or simply talk to you like you are perfectly able to understand me. I hope I make you feel a sense of ease and protection, like nothing can or will ever harm you so long as I am living. I hope that as these months continue and magically turn into years, you look at me with pride, and thank something much bigger than the both of us for making me your Momma, the same way I give thanks every chance I get for the exact same thing.

I will be honest with you. I find myself hesitant to say it out loud, which is why I always keep it to myself, but sometimes I see or hear that someone is pregnant and I feel envious. Not at all because I want to be in their shoes, but because I loved how it felt being in my shoes while pregnant with you. From start to finish, I loved our story together. I loved carrying you and knowing that come November I would have a daughter here in person. I have that now, and really, I have so much more than that. Whenever I start to miss being pregnant with you, I send some sweet thoughts to those memories, and then remind myself of what is right in front of me: absolutely everything I have ever wanted; only more beautiful, more fulfilling, more exciting and more life-changing than I ever imagined it would be. Though you certainly are not my little 6 pound newborn anymore, you ARE my radiant, growing, damn-near-perfect two-going-on-three month old, and I somehow love you more each day. I wouldn't have known that would be possible when I held you for the very first time in the hospital, but here we are today.

You will always be the one who made me into a mother, and you continue shaping me into one as you grow. I went from being afraid to bathe you because you were so small, to holding you with one arm as I throw laundry in the dryer, confident that I won't drop or hurt you because I know what I am doing. It's pretty crazy to think that it didn't take very long at all to feel comfortable in this role, but as you grow, so do I. I grow as a person and a mother because of you. 

Just last week, a good friend of mine commented on how she had been watching the TV show Gilmore Girls, and automatically thought of you and I, and how we will have a mother / daughter relationship like that. To be completely honest, I had never actually watched the show before, but I did know that the mom and daughter in it are super close. Needless to say, this got me watching season one and looking up quotes from the show. I was instantly flattered. You are only a baby, I have not been a mother for very long at all, and yet, people on the outside see that we already have something very special between us. We compliment one another. I think your onesie says it best: Mom and I go together like cookies and milk! Of course, I did come across one quote from the show that had me bawling. Rowan, I cannot guarantee that you and I will have a made for TV kind of relationship; one that just seems too good to be true, but I will spend my entire life trying.

"But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend; the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood. My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do, or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen, to Eudora Welty, to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized the person I most wanted to be was her."

I will always strive to raise a strong and rare wildflower. I will always strive to make you as proud as I possibly can.

Happy 2 months earth-side, Bean.

I love you infinitely.

                                                            Love, Momma