The Spark of Motherhood

I think we become mothers long before we actually get to hold our babies. For me, the desire to become one lit this fire within me well in advance, prompting me to go out and buy prenatal vitamins just so I could feel as though I was beginning to take better care of myself and my body; the vessel that would hopefully one day grow and carry my whole entire world.

Of course, there is the tremendous moment in which you find out for sure that you're growing a child inside of you that brings about this surreal feeling. What a privilege it is to know that your body is fully capable of housing this life within it, and the many ways that it naturally and instinctively knows how to change and cater to it's new role as a host to the most important guest it will ever house.

For me, I became a mother the second I stood staring in amazement at a pregnancy test that read "3+ weeks". In that moment, my life changed and I changed with it. Suddenly this life wasn't about me anymore; rather, it was about the child within me; the physically miniscule, yet overpowering and intense life form who would from that moment forward define my entire existence and stand at the forefront of everything I know.

I became a mother in that moment because I suddenly loved this life within me more than anything I had ever known, and I had merely just learned of their presence inside of me. Girl, boy, both - it didn't even matter. What mattered was that I was blessed enough to be carrying a human being inside of me and they were my child. I was their mother.

In my what is now ninth month of pregnancy, I have recognized so many changes within myself. Obviously there are the physical changes, such as my growing belly (which I whole-heartedly love and adore), and don't get me started on what my search history looks like these days (did you know that "Boobie Bars" are a thing? Yep. In case you're interested, Pinterest is a great resource for all of your lactation-boosting bar recipe needs!) However, I've noticed changes that aren't obvious to the eye, but are so monumental at heart.

Just last night while at Bootcamp, I was talking to my wonderful trainer, L.K. (I will never use people's full names, just to keep a little bit of confidentiality). Aside from being a trainer who whips butts into shape week after week, L.K. is also a mother of three. She was actually one of the first people who I told when I found out I was pregnant. In fact, long before then I told her about my plans to actively try to become pregnant, and began asking her about safely working out if and when I'd ever be so lucky as to carry a baby. I'm extremely fortunate in that sense. I am surrounded by women who have been there, done that. In my Bootcamp class alone, I have resources in every which direction I turn. Getting to spend my time in the presence of these mothers who all have different experiences and yet share this common thread of loving their children so immensely has been an absolute pleasure.

So last night, as she always does, L.K. asked me how I was feeling. As I always respond, I said that I was feeling good (really, I've had a tremendously charmed pregnancy, much of which I owe to working out and eating well). This led me to start telling her that ever since finding out I was pregnant, I have been taking far better care of myself. This isn't to say that prior I was a trainwreck by any means. I simply meant that knowing I have a life within me has made me take the extra two seconds each time I am faced with a decision or option and makes me ask myself, "will this be good for the baby?" "What nutrients (if any) will baby gain from this?" If it never worked in my baby's favor, I just refrained. I let this method guide me through healthy eating along the way (as I've mentioned in my other blog post). There were many days where working out seemed like too much of an effort, but then I'd think about how sitting on the couch snacking wouldn't benefit the baby or myself in any way, so I would go make the time to stay active and feel much better afterwards.

A notion I have carried with me this entire time has been this: there is so much beyond our control in this world, and so much that is out of our hands, so why wouldn't you do what you can to better the chances while you have the opportunity to do so? I'm not saying that even the healthiest child won't fall ill, or that accidents won't happen, but if we live in a world where the detrimental effects of smoking and drinking or eating poorly during pregnancy are known and broadcasted everywhere, then why wouldn't you want to refrain from doing those things? When you're pregnant it stops being about you and your selfish habits, and it becomes all about the innocent life inside of you and doing what is best for them. If you're accepting the fact that you're pregnant and are willingly taking on this role, you should also accept the responsibility that comes with it, even if it means giving up something you love for a little while. When it comes to motherhood, it's all or nothing. You're in or you're out. At least that's how I view it.

I am sure that there are women who will disagree with me, or women who have lived to tell about their stories and how they didn't really follow all of the suggested tips and rules while pregnant, and to them I say, "to each their own". I am not here to judge anyone, nor is this intended to be some preachy blog post. I am simply sharing what I have told myself this whole time and what I believe is best for me.

Once I had shared my thoughts with L.K., she responded by saying that she knows I will be a great mother because I am already thinking along these lines. By putting the baby first and myself second, I am doing what mothers are supposed to do. I took that as a major compliment coming from her.

Though the thought of labour actually starting at any given moment now scares me, and the uncertainty that lies in the notion of bringing home this little baby who comes with no instruction manual sends my nerves into overdrive, I can't help but feel that I was meant to have this job, I would love nothing more than to have this job, and I am completely aware that it is entirely a privilege. We have all heard horror stories of unfit mothers, and as an extremely unfortunate result, their children end up paying the price. I think those are the examples of situations where the mother feels as though it's their right to be a mom just because, instead of seeing it as the privilege it is. I believe that if you're fortunate enough to take on the role of a mother, you must always know how lucky you are, and never stop being thankful for this gigantic gift you've been given. I think that's the spark of it all, and we must never let it extinguish.

So even when I have these moments of sheer panic and nervousness, I remind myself of how incredibly lucky I am, and how amazingly supportive my body has been in response to pregnancy. I made the decision to actively try to become pregnant, and with no hesitation, it's as though my body said, "okay boss, we're doing this, this is happening, here goes nothing!"

I think of that little soul inside of me and how I'd already do anything to keep them healthy and happy. When the time comes and I'm racing to the hospital, about to face one of the most painful tasks in my life, I will remind myself of how strong I am, and how for the past nine months I have grown and nurtured a human life. I will remind myself that during nine months of growth and minor discomfort, I have risen above the aches and pains and powered through by staying active and remaining confident (hell yeah I'm going to remind myself of doing traveling double weighted lunges across the gym floor over and over again multiple times a week). I will think ahead to finally getting to hold my baby, a moment I can only imagine validates what being a mother is all about more than anything else, and I will not let pain stand in my way of the finish line. She has been my victory all along, and she will be so close in that moment before we finally meet.

I have been a mother for nine months now, and everything from the hopes and dreams, to the actual nitty gritty will have led me to the moment of deep breaths and pushing. I will know that I've earned my motherly wings the moment I hear my baby cry for the first time and have her placed on my chest. Forever changed for the better. Forever stronger than ever before. Forever a student as this tiny life illuminates my own and teaches me along the way. She and I will grow and learn together, two peas in a pod for the rest of our lives. What a privilege it is to land the greatest job in the world, that goes on forever and ever. I cannot wait to continue down this path of motherhood, where millions of great ones have travelled before me. It's an honour to be walking among them.